It’s close to midnight – once again!
And here I am, listening to some music, feeling my fingers itch because I kind of still have that need to be creative (in whatever way, it just so doesn’t matter anymore) and thinking about love.
Not really about love as in “I love you” but about love in general. Even though it sounds cheesy love really is kind of everywhere.
But I think it’d be easier for you to get what I mean if I start at the beginning of my train of thought. Here it comes.
I just came home with my family after seeing my over all favourite book ever. “The Physician” by Noah Gordon. It’s just a made up story – I know – but the feelings and emotions it deals with have caught me from the very first page up to now.
The movie itself differs a lot from the book but I still really liked it because it contained those emotions that I loved best about the book. For those who haven’t read the book: It’s about the English Christian boy Robert J. Cole who loses his mother at a very young age about 1000 after Christ. He then lives with a barber-surgeon, travels the country and learns some medical techniques that were common in europe at that time. He then meets a jew who tells him about the greatest medico of his time who lives in Isfahan, a city far away from England. Rob gives up his life to travel for years, pretends to be jewish and challenges the greatest obstacles to learn how to heal people. He has that gift which allows him to know if someone is close to death by touching that person. He steps over the boundaries of that time, examines dead bodies and studies until he falls asleep over his notes for the sake of being able to heal.
So, in this story Rob’s love for his, let’s call it talent makes him go beyond his own limits. It’s that dedication, that fierce and intense emotion that makes the story that beautiful. He gives everything he has for a little piece of satisfaction.
I guess this book was one of the reasons why I always wanted to study medicine. It has always been an intriguing topic and it always seemed like this was the way I was presupposed to go (I dissected hedgehogs before I was able to write properly). Over the last years I gave every energy I had to get the marks that are required to get into med school.
But for some reason I felt that dedication that fueled me for the past .. let’s say 13 years .. it just faded. Slipped away. Even though I was trying to force it back it just vanished bit by bit. Instead that weird idea made it’s way into my head.
I’m still very interested in medicine and if I had another life to live I’d probably go for it as well.
However, that idea became much more present in all of my thoughts and then I made a small attempt just to see how it felt like. And I failed. I failed and decided to rely on my plan to be a doctor sometime in the future. But by then all dedication and motivation was gone. Erased. Instead I felt that huge pressure that this was the way it HAD to be. I’m not much of a religious person but this was when I voiced one of the few prayers that came from the bottom of my heart. I remember it very well as it was just that one sentence.
Give me a sign.
That was it. And then I waited. Waited. Waited.
Well, it isn’t that long ago that everything changed and I think it’s important that I always remember that feeling.
Maybe half a year I was waiting for something to change. Or a sign to show up. Maybe someone taking me by the hand saying “you need to go there”. That weird idea kept mingling with others thought but I remembered my failed attempt and remembered how it felt to look at that huge pile of work that seemed like the Olympus. Also this path didn’t offer any security for me, no way to say I’d have enough money to get by or to pay my bills.
I waited. And for someone who is close to do her Leaving Cert I got nervous as the only option I allowed myself to look at made me feel trapped and .. it just felt wrong.
Of course, there are plenty of other people out there about to leave school who don’t have a clue what to do next but for me this was the most terrifying feeling I ever got to know.
And then, one evening after coming home from band practise I was to lazy to make myself a sandwich and decided to visit that party I wasn’t too sure about attending because of some stuff I had to do and I also didn’t really feel like going to. But I was hungry.
And then everything changed. My dad made a joke. That joke became a phone call, two weeks later I introduced myself to someone else and I was taken by the hand.
It still feels like the Olympus for me to conquer but now I have a flying horse. I met some of the great Gods and found what I had tried to get back by all my means.
I’m not saying that I have the same gift as Rob Cole – by no means can I heal people. But I do know how dedication feels like. And I do know how it feels to cross borders and go beyond my own limits. In the past 5 months I did it again and again and again.
This love, this fierce and powerful feeling that provides me with so much courage and strength … it’s just incredible. And I really do hope that everyone, no matter how old or where he or she lives, feels this love at least once in his or her life.
In my case I found the perfect job. I certainly don’t know what my future holds but I know in which direction it’s going and even though it won’t be medicine just as I thought for more than a decade I don’t mind taking that risk. It just feels right.
I sometimes heard people who are getting married saying: “The moment I met I knew he/she was the one.”
I might not know a lot about the love between so called soul mates, but about this other kind of love I do know.