Judging.

No matter how much a person I meet ensures me that he or she doesn’t judge people I never really get to believe it.

Let’s be honest, at least for a split second. We all do judge. Wether we want to or not. Same here. I find myself judging way too often. As in judging a stranger before you get to know them. Not when a friend tells you that he did some messed up shit. That’s a different kind of judging – at least to my mind – but that’s also another topic.

Whether it is the middle-aged, big woman with greasy hair and clothes that smell like they haven’t been washed in a long time or the guy who probably is the same age as me but wears all brand clothes, a bigger watch than the new Iphone (not to forget that he owns the latest version) and whose attitude let’s me think of some posh asshole.

At the end of last year I was working out in my local gym and saw that woman working out there too. She wasn’t really pretty, had a bit too much on her hips and didn’t really look as if she cared for her appearance. I caught myself looking at her every now and then and thinking to myself I’m glad that I’m not her.

My thoughts got carried away and I kept doing my workout. Some time later someone tapped on my shoulder. It was that girl. All I thought was Jesus, what the hell does SHE want?!

She spoke with a really nice and caring voice and told me that I was doing the exercise wrongly and that she wouldn’t like to see me with a backache because she usually wouldn’t find the courage to talk to strangers but now forced herself to tell me.

I instantly felt so terrible and ashamed. She was the sweetest person I met that entire week.

After this encounter I set myself the goal to become as close as possible to being not judgmental. And because of that terrible feeling I had that evening (it didn’t go away for a long time) I could stick to that resolution most of the time.

It helped me a lot in my job, especially because I often meet the strangest of people. No matter if they are gaming nerds, science geeks, old and sinister people, confused elderly woman or just people who look as if they don’t care for hygiene the tiniest bit. (Sure that last one really is the hardest, but that’s part all part of not judging.)

I admit that sometimes the thought that ‘d rather don’t want to be around these people comes to my mind but I do my best to silence these kind of thoughts.

Most of the time there always is a reason behind the way these people are or why they look the way they do – sometimes there’s no reason at all.

Since I approached people with this attitude I got to know so many people I wouldn’t have met otherwise – on a second though I really would have liked to have met some of them.

The irony is that those from whom I expected the less of anything mostly turned out to be the kindest and friendliest and sweetest.

The big woman with the greasy hair and the worn-out clothes might have lost her job recently or something even worse might have happened to her. The fella with the brand clothing and the super-rich attitude might have everything that can be bought with money but really is just looking for a true friend or appreciation.

It’s sometimes wicked how our world works. But that is no reason to judge things before we get to know them.

 

Xx Scarlett

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“We” or “you and me”?

Slowly having turned into a mild workaholic over the last two years a topic that came up more often than I would have liked is the relationship and guys issue.

Over the years I went out with a only few guys but never had any serious relationship. Though this, I dare to say was rather due to the fact that I met a bunch of very stupid individuals. One of them being an addicted and slightly abusive unfortunate soul and another insecure, everyone-else-blaming piece of self-pity who was a little bit too loose with his use of very bad words to call me.

As soon as I started living my job full-time I realised that it changed the way that I see the world. I’m feeling more secure about myself and even though I never was one of the kind to tolerate every bullshit I now am much more straight forward than before. The way I deal with problems has changed also.

So a couple of weeks ago I met a guy who completely differs from all the guys I had seen or dated before. He’s not wallowing in self-pity and he isn’t blaming others for problems that may arise, instead he just starts to look for a way to solve them. Also he is kind and respectful (didn’t encounter that a lot in men before). His career is his first priority (same as mine) and he’s really close with his family and friends. When I’m around him I don’t feel like a kid anymore even though he is five years older than me. It doesn’t get boring around him and on top of everything else he is really good-looking (absolutely not a reason to be or not to be with someone – I firmly believe that what is in your heart is what matters the most!).

Pretty much sounds like boyfriend-material, doesn’t it?

I have that one friend who constantly brings up that very issue. He is so concerned about me being without a man by my side that it slowly started to get ridiculous. He thinks that all the work I’m doing keeps me from having a happy life. I do appreciate his concern since he just doesn’t want me to be unhappy and lonely. (Not mentioning that I’m not even in my twenties – it sometimes gets just too ridiculous)

However, I figured that I actually don’t want to be seeing or dating anyone right now. To be honest, I think that one day it will be awesome to have someone special by your side but for the moment I am good with myself and I.

I just don’t want to spend my time with anything else than what I love most – which would be my work. My friend absolutely doesn’t understand that feeling but as long as it works out for me … I can be happy without someone else and I don’t NEED someone to hold my hand. Frankly, I don’t want to share the experiences I’m currently making with someone else (except for family and friends in same cases, of course). It’s my time, my choices, me. Just me.

Is that really hard to understand? How do you feel about stuff like this?

One day I won’t want this for me anymore but until that day I don’t mind if that discussion can have a rest.

Happily on my own and just dating my job, I’ll leave you for today

Xx Scarlett

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Working !?

It’s been about two months since I started working full-time. For the past year in school I had always been looking forward to that moment because I found the greatest job of them all – or better said: it found me!

I never planned on doing anything that was related to arts – when a girl I knew once told me that the way I dressed and acted made her see me as an artist through and through I couldn’t get over it because I was so appalled. Never did I consider myself to be one of those people I always imagined as excentric, self-centred and having their head in another universe. That’s how I always pictured an artist. Always some kind of posh, feeling better than others and either just arrogant because of the money they make with their artworks or absolutely lost in illusions of fame while they actually struggle to pay their rent.

Turned out I was wrong. Very much so.

Even though I sometimes question my career choice (I guess this is inevitable – no matter which job your doing) but I am very happy with what I’ve chosen to be.

Before he became my “boss” he told me that I will spend most of my life working (apparently) but why not do something I truly like.

A couple of weeks ago as I was writing an application I really had to think about my “hobbies”. I just had a very few things written down and it got me thinking about the stuff I really enjoy doing – turned out that apart from that usual stuff such as friends and family, my job really is one of my biggest hobbies. I don’t know why but even though I already knew that it kind of left me without words … but also with a smile.

I’ve been told that I sometimes behave a little bit excentric (but I have been told for a couple of years now so that isn’t anything new) and I figured that I sometimes do live in another world but I’m giving my best to never become self-centred, ignorant, arrogant, too full of myself or judgemental (more about that in another post).

My friends told me that they’ve never seen me as calmed down and balanced as I now am since I started doing that work. They know that I sometimes live in my own world but instead of judging me for it they decided to be a part of it and show me theirs. All of us discovered that we aren’t as ordinary as others might be (whatever that is supposed to mean) and that we all live in a different world. But hey! That’s brilliant!

Our vision never gets grey or dull – there are always colours and bizarre and strange things. And the most beautiful thing of them all is that “growing up” is not mandatory – just an option. Sure, considering some aspects of life need to be tackled with a certain amount of maturity but everything else is just a matter of choice.

This post already got longer than I planned it to be, so I’ll leave you with this for today and go back to my comic book collection and crayons ;)

Take care!

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Tick Tock Goes My Clock

As always when I start to write it is the middle of the night – or at least it’s close to midnight – and I should have been asleep for some time now. Instead I felt like checking on my blog again. The fact that I couldn’t remember either the correct spelling of my user name or my password makes me feel a little guilty, though.

A quick update on what happened:

My life has changed quite a bit as I am now done with school and never ever have to go back. Not that I didn’t like school – I really liked it .. but the people who’d always be there were quite a deal-breaker.

However, I now started with some kind of a training for the job I’m currently doing. It has to do with a lot of organisation, making plans, selling stuff and representing. Oh right and a little bit of art. I got to know a lot of inspiring and exciting people.

Even though, there I still have a lot of work to do I still calmed down a bit – at least that is what I was told(!)- and started to get stuff going for me (which is nice).

This must be attempt number 531 I’m planning and really want to try to get this blog going. And for the sake of making it look a bit more exciting I’m trying to upload a couple of cool pictures you  might like. The one that is replacing the old header was done by a young artist I got to know a while back. She agreed to let me use some of her art as long as I somehow link back to her page. Also, please don’t just use her art – at least ask for her permission. If you ask politely it’s likely that she’ll agree.

Tick tock …

There’s so much to write about and in this very moment not a single thing comes to my mind. But I’ll work on that.

If you have any suggestions, questions or comments please feel free to let me know. Comments related to the artworks will be forwarded to the artist ;)

All the best.

Scarlett

P.S.: Here’s the full illustration for you to see! Click here to get to her page.

Roses

Posted in Arts (And Related Things), Daily Dose of Awesomeness | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

….

I’m slowly getting a little worried. It’s been a couple of month (freaking again!) since I last posted anything (which I wouldn’t consider to be a “proper” post). I’m sorry! Really really am! Yet, it is quite a mystery to me that I somehow keep getting new followers. It’s quite flattering though.

So, basically I’ve been not up to much these days (just finishing school – got an A+ in the preexam of my English class – bazinga!, changing from workplace nummero 1 to No. 2 and 3. Number 3 is really paying off these days – both, financially and in the fun sense of way. I just love it. Then there are my friends, a guy I’m currently dating, some more sports, another project of mine. Oh and did I mention that I’m almost done with school? Believe me it’s the most awesome feeling ever!)

And while I’m currently trying to not feel ashamed from head to heel because I completely neglected my precious little blog I’m also wondering what’s going on in your lives!

I’m not going to write “I promise I’ll write more” because I’m not too sure if I can keep this one in the next couple of days and weeks because it feels like hell lost its shit over my town and everything is just going up and down, up and down, uuuuuup and down. But I will try my best. I’ll try to figure something out to make up for my absence (already have something in mind).

Please take a further of my leaves for now as it is already close to 11 p.m. again (have to get up at 6a.m.) and I haven’t slept much in the last couple of nights.

Good night y’all!

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Birthdays and surprises

Hello everyone!

I apologize for not having posted anything in 2014 but I (as usual) was a little busy. I kind of decided that the laying on the couch all day watching one episode of one of my favorite TV series after another is a little too unproductive for me. And then yesterday we had a big 19th Birthday party, which really was nice!

I usually am not much of a person who celebrates her own Birthday, simply because I don’t really see the reason to celebrate as I haven’t done anything but simply being there – but yesterday, I dare to say,  was one of the greatest Birthdays I have ever had!

First Darah and I were planning on having a girls night out and going “clubbing” on Friday night till Saturday morning. Bot of us, though, we sick on Friday morning. We felt fine on Saturday morning for some weird (and good) reason. She came over and we had a lot of cake and craic. She’s the person I’d refer to as something like a best friend and I was more than happy that she was there. About a year ago none of us would  have been able to imagine the two of us being friends again. Co-exist. Maybe. But not friends. I screwed it. But somehow we’re closer than ever before and even Father Rock has voiced his delight about it a couple of weeks ago.

I was really happy that all of my family were coming around and I was more than satisfied with having those people around me. Even a couple of people I didn’t dare to think that they might remember me called or texted – which felt really nice. Yet, there was that one friend I hoped would remember me. After all what happened and after all what had been said I thought this might be the case. But as I already thought – no call, no text, nothing at all. I don’t give a lot about getting Birthday calls and I now know what to expect from that friend.

HOWEVER. There was also something I most definitely did not see coming. Right before my grandparents arrived there was a knock on the door and when I opened my friend Marilyn with a giant BATMAN cake! A huge black bat on yellow ground.

As far as I remember I have never gotten a surprise Birthday cake (except from my parents and grans) and I was just so damn surprised that she was there .. and that genius Batman cake. That was so awesome.

Later when my grandparents were gone Darah and I went out to meet some of my guy friends out at the pub. We had a lot of fun there, too.

And today, I very much felt like really getting some work done and I actually did (get some work done) – which really does feel nice.

Also I got an email from a friend in America saying that my package finally arrived. We decided to swap books (which I think is a great idea) and the whole thing has been going on since easter as the package I had sent returned to me a couple of times for whatever reasons. Now it finally made it’s way to it’s presupposed destination. And like I promised I finally opened mine (which has been here since the last summer vacation. It was so hard not to peak inside, but a promise is a promise, isn’t it?)

I already started reading the book and it is really good – and very hard to put down!

And when I opened it this little fella also fell out as well! Now my keys shall always be IMG_20140105_171228protected.

Also here’s another picture for you. Did it with my new markers. The original illustration was done by Tom Percival and I just recreated it, nothing to be really proud of but I still feel like sharing. Maybe one of you knows the name of this guy? (He’s a detective.)

IMG_20140104_193352

Posted in Arts (And Related Things), Daily Dose of Awesomeness, Just Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Ending the old and starting the new

So, now that it’s getting close to midnight – the last midnight of the old year and the first hours of the new year – I suppose it’s time to finally get my self up to write a little about my resolutions for the upcoming twelve months.

Most my resolutions don’t change as I wouldn’t consider them as proper “resolutions”.

But first I’d like to take a look at my old resolutions:

1. Make someone happy – It’s not about donating everything you have and giving away everything you’re fond of. Some people are happy if you just talk to them. Even if they are strangers, a smile can turn your whole day into a positive experience. (This worked well for me – so I guess I can consider this as “done”)

2. Don’t hurt anyone – It is never nice to hurt a person you love, but it’s any less bad if you hurt someone you don’t love. After all you don’t know how the other person feels. As far as I know – and I don’t know a lot – feelings are a delicate thing that can easily be shattered.
(Worked as in most of the time. There were a couple of misunderstandings and I got a few people quite pissed at me but I regard it as necessary.)

3. Write – I always have these urges that get me writing and once I ignore them for longer than a week they start to form voices in my head that only shut up if I start writing eventually. I have more stories in my mind than I have thoughts to put them in and the time to write them down.

(Nah – no. Not really. Not even one short story. Well. Yes. Lot’s of stories but only in my head and not on paper.)

4. Be satisfied with the things I have and do – there are people that have got far less than I do. Also I should only do the things that satisfy me. If I don’t like the things I am doing – who else is supposed to like it? It’s not about living life to the fullest or – how it is called nowadays YOLO – this might only result in teenage pregnancy and the loss of beloved ones (generally speaking). It’s about being pleased with the things I did myself and being proud of my own work.

(Definitely, YES. Changed my entire plans for the future which I actually was building up for the past 5-10 years. COuldn’t have done anything better though. And also I’m a little surprised that this word “yolo” is already out there in the world and being used by several people I know for more than a year – it’s a disgrace to the beauty of words.)

Looking at my old resolutions I don’t really feel like adding much more.Here my new ones:

1.) Try to make at least one person smile each day.

2.) Focus on things that really matter to me and go for them (without stopping myself with lame excuses – I guess everyone can kind of relate to that).

3.) Get my freaking Leaving Cert (I guess I’ll make it).

4.) Get to know as many people as possible from all over the world ( I love meeting new people.)

5.) Visit home. ( I guess I should explain this a little more. In German we have two different words that both mean “home”. I’ll try to explain the little difference, though. I hope it’ll make sense. One would be “Heimat” which generally refers to the country/ city you were born in. Like a place that you will forever know as the place from where you came and in most cases go back to at some point. The second meaning would be “zu Hause” which rather refers to the place you made your home – this might be your new apartment or new house, new town or country .. whatever. It’s that place you’re connected with because you want to be, a place you’ve chosen to be your home.

And I really want to go back to my chosen home – the most beautiful country of them all – sweet, green Ireland. And I will go there this year. It’s been almost over 3 years. Time to go home.)

With a little less than an hour to go I’m wishing you a happy New Year. Wherever you are, I hope you’re having a beautiful time starting the new year!

~ Scarlett

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Midnight after midnight

Heya there!

Shortly after midnight once again. I guess that’s getting a habit now.

I’m sorry that I didn’t make it to write something decent yesterday. I was celebrating an 18th birthday with some friends and kind of got home at around half 4 a.m. I didn’t feel like writing a lot after several hours of dancing.

The whole thing started of as a rather relaxed evening with about 13 people just sitting around a table and ended up in 6 people jumping and dancing to loud music. I was the only one who hadn’t had a drop of alcohol and was the one who danced and laughed the most. To Carter (his birthday) and Lenn felt a little irritated because they usually don’t experience me having so much fun at parties  but in all honesty … that mostly depends on the people one’s with, doesn’t it?

Had a lot of fun, danced until the first birds started singing, someone proposed to me and the food was good.

But seriously .. something seems to be seriously wrong with either me or the people I meet .. or it seems to get a new “typical” party-activity to propose to someone. So, I kinda started my year with a proposal and end it with one. In between there has only been one further.

Besides I started working on one of my New Year’s resolutions: Make that blog nice .. or at least look nice.

Here’s one of the first few sketches I might somehow turn into a proper illustration for this place. IMG_20131227_235420

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess it’s better to keep it short today, as I have to work tomorrow and should catch up on some of last night’s sleep. Have good night.

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That other kind of love …

It’s close to midnight – once again!

And here I am, listening to some music, feeling my fingers itch because I kind of still have that need to be creative (in whatever way, it just so doesn’t matter anymore) and thinking about love.

Not really about love as in “I love you” but about love in general. Even though it sounds cheesy love really is kind of everywhere.

But I think it’d be easier for you to get what I mean if I start at the beginning of my train of thought. Here it comes.

I just came home with my family after seeing my over all favourite book ever. “The Physician” by Noah Gordon. It’s just a made up story – I know – but the feelings and emotions it deals with have caught me from the very first page up to now.

The movie itself differs a lot from the book but I still really liked it because it contained those emotions that I loved best about the book. For those who haven’t read the book: It’s about the English Christian boy Robert J. Cole who loses his mother at a very young age about 1000 after Christ. He then lives with a barber-surgeon, travels the country and learns some medical techniques that were common in europe at that time. He then meets a jew who tells him about the greatest medico of his time who lives in Isfahan, a city far away from England. Rob gives up his life to travel for years, pretends to be jewish and challenges the greatest obstacles to learn how to heal people. He has that gift which allows him to know if someone is close to death by touching that person. He steps over the boundaries of that time, examines dead bodies and studies until he falls asleep over his notes for the sake of being able to heal.

So, in this story Rob’s love for his, let’s call it talent makes him go beyond his own limits. It’s that dedication, that fierce and intense emotion that makes the story that beautiful. He gives everything he has for a little piece of satisfaction.

I guess this book was one of the reasons why I always wanted to study medicine. It has always been an intriguing topic and it always seemed like this was the way I was presupposed to go (I dissected hedgehogs before I was able to write properly). Over the last years I gave every energy I had to get the marks that are required to get into med school.

But for some reason I felt that dedication that fueled me for the past .. let’s say 13 years .. it just faded. Slipped away. Even though I was trying to force it back it just vanished bit by bit. Instead that weird idea made it’s way into my head.

I’m still very interested in medicine and if I had another life to live I’d probably go for it as well.

However, that idea became much more present in all of my thoughts and then I made a small attempt just to see how it felt like. And I failed. I failed and decided to rely on my plan to be a doctor sometime in the future. But by then all dedication and motivation was gone. Erased. Instead I felt that huge pressure that this was the way it HAD to be. I’m not much of a religious person but this was when I voiced one of the few prayers that came from the bottom of my heart. I remember it very well as it was just that one sentence.

Give me a sign.

That was it. And then I waited. Waited. Waited.

Well, it isn’t that long ago that everything changed and I think it’s important that I always remember that feeling.

Maybe half a year I was waiting for something to change. Or a sign to show up. Maybe someone taking me by the hand saying “you need to go there”. That weird idea kept mingling with others thought but I remembered my failed attempt and remembered how it felt to look at that huge pile of work that seemed like the Olympus. Also this path didn’t offer any security for me, no way to say I’d have enough money to get by or to pay my bills.

I waited. And for someone who is close to do her Leaving Cert I got nervous as the only option I allowed myself to look at made me feel trapped and .. it just felt wrong.

Of course, there are plenty of other people out there about to leave school who don’t have a clue what to do next but for me this was the most terrifying feeling I ever got to know.

And then, one evening after coming home from band practise I was to lazy to make myself a sandwich and decided to visit that party I wasn’t too sure about attending because of some stuff I had to do and I also didn’t really feel like going to. But I was hungry.

And then everything changed. My dad made a joke. That joke became a phone call, two weeks later I introduced myself to someone else and I was taken by the hand.

It still feels like the Olympus for me to conquer but now I have a flying horse. I met some of the great Gods and found what I had tried to get back by all my means.

I’m not saying that I have the same gift as Rob Cole – by no means can I heal people. But I do know how dedication feels like. And I do know how it feels to cross borders and go beyond my own limits. In the past 5 months I did it again and again and again.

This love, this fierce and powerful feeling that provides me with so much courage and strength … it’s just incredible. And I really do hope that everyone, no matter how old or where he or she lives, feels this love at least once in his or her life.

In my case I found the perfect job. I certainly don’t know what my future holds but I know in which direction it’s going and even though it won’t be medicine just as I thought for more than a decade I don’t mind taking that risk. It just feels right.

I sometimes heard people who are getting married saying: “The moment I met I knew he/she was the one.”

I might not know a lot about the love between so called soul mates, but about this other kind of love I do know.

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Merry Christmas

Heya out there!

I hope all of you had a very nice and beautiful Christmas with your family and friends. I surely had a couple of awesome days which include insane amounts of food (which one the one hand is good but on the other hand it always leaves me with cleft thoughts … it already feels like I put on at least 5 extra pounds .. and also there are so many people out there who don’t have anything to eat).

However, I had a nice time with my family. It actually is the most important thing about Christmas to me – spending time with my beloved ones. Sure, I don’t mind getting presents ( … actually I kind of do … for some weird reason) .. got some copic markers (yeahy!) and some money to safe for a graphic tablet.

Even though almost every family meeting ends up in people fighting over insignificant shit and at least someone being cross at someone else but I suppose that we aren’t the only family out there in which family meetings look like this.

Well, after all it still is the family spirit that keeps everyone together even if it’s just on Birthdays, Christmas and Easter.

And I seriously was trying my best to be a good kid and ate every meal that I was served … (which explains the feeling of weighing 5 pounds more.)

And now that Christmas is over I already made some arrangements for me to get work (I give private lessons to younger kids – usually English only but apparently I’m also doing German lessons .. which is fine).

I love to relax, just sitting on the couch, watching a movie or even not leaving my bed until lunch … but for some reason the urge to do nothing never lasts longer than 3 days max. I don’t know. I once was called a workaholic by Serazin (a good friend) and I guess it’s kind of true. Yet, and by all means (!), it does not mean that I can’t be lazy. To be honest I sometimes can be lazy as fuck, e.g. when it comes to studying for my (final) FINALS!

I will, though. … Study, I mean. Because of that damn scholarship for that academy I’m planing to apply for.

Well, now that Christmas is over we’re heading straight to New Year’s Eve, right? And I guess, I’ll just go along with many other blogs and start thinking about my New Year’s resolutions (which by the way, always stay kind of the same .. it’s just the details, that change). So how about you? I’d love to hear about some of your ideas for the new year (:

Take care!

 

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